Hiccups
by Dozen and One Stars
Summary: Luffy develops a bad case of the hiccups. Finally the crew decides enough is enough and set out to get rid of them. Whether or not Luffy wants them gone. Mild swearing.
1. Hic!

**Disclaimer: I do not own One Piece. **

Nami was always the first one up followed closely by Sanji, who woke up early to prepare breakfast for everyone. The smell of cooking food then woke up the rest of the crew and so Nami found herself starting another day at sea with these crazy people who she called friends.

She watched disgusted at her shipmates eating habits. You would think that she would get used to seeing them eating like pigs but no. Suddenly losing her appetite Nami pushed her plate away from her where the food almost instantly disappeared to the eating utensils and stomachs of the guys. Deciding to play it safe she quickly counted to make sure she still had all her fingers. Yep still had all ten of them.

Looking over them Nami decided that with out a doubt Sanji had the best table manners out of the four. He at least chewed and swallowed what was in his mouth before shoveling more in. He also seemed to take notice that there was a lady in his presence and excused himself if he let out a belch. That was more than the other three would do. It looked as if they, for lack of better words, inhaled their food as if it were going to be taken from them. Nami made a mental note to count the dishware least they accidentally swallowed it.

If Sanji had the best table manners then Luffy had the worst. The other two were bad but no one could even compare to the captain. At least they stopped to breath every so often. They also took the time to drink. Luffy on the other hand didn't seem to pause even for breath. When he drank he wasted no time in shoveling more food in his mouth. It really was a miracle that he hadn't choked yet.

Now that Nami thought about it she was probably the only one who knew the Heimlich maneuver. Sanji might know from working in a restaurant for so long but she doubted it somehow. She couldn't picture any of the guys taking the time to do it properly. The mental picture she got was them either panicking or punching the choking person in the gut in a futile attempt to dislodge whatever was in their throat. She really did know some weird people.

The sound of chewing and swallowing was starting to bug Nami. Sure there was the occasional slurping sound when someone took a drink but that wasn't exactly what she wanted to hear first thing in the morning. So she did a very brave thing. She attempted a conversation during a meal. "You know if you took the time to chew and swallow the food would still be there."

The four men abruptly stopped eating to stare at Nami in disbelief. Well Sanji more in adoration but you get the idea. The other three looked at her dumbstruck. They couldn't have looked more shock that if she said that they were hopelessly lost and had been for days. Which would have been exceedingly bad considering Nami was the only one with any sense of direction and if she were lost then they had virtually no hope of survival.

Looking around the table Nami started feeling a little uncomfortable with all the stares she was getting. Sanji seemed a little ashamed about his manners but that was overridden by his adoration towards the navigator. Luffy and Usopp had on an equally stupid expression. Finally there was Zoro who looked angry and insulted. Narrowing his eyes he looked at her and he pointed the fork in his hand in her direction before opening his mouth to make some biting remark, "Listen yo-"

"Hic!"

Zoro's angry expression changed to one of complete confusion. The fork that he was unconsciously threatening her with drooped. Taking a moment to collect his wits he decided that being angry was more important at the time being. "Just because you're a woman doesn't mean that yo-"

"Hic!"

"Damn it!" Zoro thought. He couldn't get his point, whatever it may be, across if he was constantly being interrupted. Stabbing his fork into the table he whirled around. "Who's making that annoying sound?"

Sanji and Usopp merely pointed at their captain who looked surprised. Zoro didn't even have time to yell at him before Luffy started convulsing in his seat. "Hic! Hic! Hic!"

The cook and sharp shooter scooted their seats away from their captain. For they knew it was contagious and they surely didn't want whatever Luffy had caught. Zoro had an expression on his face that clearly expressed that he thought straw hat had finally lost it. Nami of the other hand wasn't surprised at all. In fact she was quite amused at the whole situation and expressed it through her laughter.

"This isn't a laughing matter Nami! We have to find a doctor for Luffy right away!" Usopp started to panic, as the only person with any common or directional sense seemed so unconcerned with the health of a friend.

"Wha-hic! What's wro-hic-hic-?" Luffy attempted to find out what was wrong with him but the little bubbles that seemed to swell in his chest kept bursting at all the wrong moment. Particularly when he was trying to speak.

Finally Nami managed to stop her laughing. Seeing the expecting faces of her crewmates she explained what was happening in the lamest terms. "He's got the hiccups."

The blank looks she received caused Nami to believe that they didn't know what she was talking about or they hadn't heard her. But the latter was almost impossible. Everyone got the hiccups at least once. "I said he's got the hiccups."

Once again she found herself staring into the blank faces of the four men she lived with. The only noise penetrating the silence was Luffy's hiccups. Zoro snapped first and asked whatever one was dying to know. "What the hell are hiccups?"


	2. Pain in the Ass

**Disclaimer: I do not own One Piece.**

"You mean none of you have ever heard or had the hiccups?" Nami couldn't have kept the shock out of her voice if she had wanted to. Sure she knew that she wasn't traveling with most people's definition of normal characters but this was something that happened all the time. Something that even these idiots should know.

"Well if we all knew what the stupid things were we wouldn't be having this conversation know would we?" A clearly irritated Zoro snapped.

Nami ignored the swordsman and went on to explain Luffy's condition. "He probably got them from eating and drinking too fast."

"That didn't answer my question!" Apparently not being able to finish an argument put Zoro in a bad mood.

"(1) Hiccups are sudden, involuntary contractions of the diaphragm muscle." Nami decided that if Zoro could be a pain in ass then so could she. "As the muscle contracts repeatedly, the opening between your vocal cords snaps shut to check the inflow of air and makes the hiccup sound. Irritation of the nerves that extend from the neck to the chest can cause hiccups."

The looks of overwhelming confusion put Nami in a much better mood. The look on Zoro's face was especially satisfying to the young navigator. Deciding she had over loaded their minds enough for one morning Nami rephrased her earlier explanation. "He's having spasms when he's breathing. It's nothing serious and they should go away on their own."

Knowing that it was safe to be near their captain, Sanji and Usoop moved back to their original seats. Though still notably peeved Zoro went back to his breakfast. Now the he knew that he was in no danger Luffy found his hiccups entertaining, some would go so far as to say fun. Breakfast was quickly finished off and everyone went back to his or her normal routines with the impression that their captain's problem would soon be gone.

--Lunchtime--

Sanji had prepared his shipmates' lunch with practiced ease. Normally this was great. He could think about other things and not have to worry about anything being wrong with the food but on this particular afternoon he wished something had gone wrong just so he could concentrate on something other that Luffy's hiccups.

That's right Luffy still had his hiccups and was loving every minute of it. The same thing could not be said for certain members of his crew. While Nami was indifferent to his predicament, the guys were not taking it so well.

Usoop was fascinated by it in the beginning and while it still intrigued him it was getting kind of old. Sanji hadn't really cared either way until about a half and hour into it when he discovered that no matter where he was he could still hear the constant hic noise. That left Zoro, whose fuse was getting shorter as each minute of his daily nap was being consumed by the damned hiccups.

Everyone but Luffy sat down at the table to eat. In his current state it probably wasn't a good idea to eat or drink anything. The rest of the crew munched on their food in silence, while Zoro took to stabbing his meal rather than eating it.

As Nami ate she noticed the enraged tick that was starting to form as the swordsmen continued to inflict harm upon the food. She opened her mouth to comment but was cut off as he stabbed his fork into his plate hard enough to break it and stick into the table below. Pushing against the table, he stood up fast enough to send his chair toppling over.

"Damn it! I can't take it anymore!" He made the motion of pulling out one of his swords and headed for the door. "I'll get rid of those hiccups once and for all!"

Sanji and Usoop sprang to their feet. The cook restricted the movement of his right arm while the sharpshooter was latched on to his left. They had gotten to him before he managed to actually pull out his weapon.

Though he had both his arms efficiently restrained this did not stop Zoro from fighting back. Tugging his arms in an attempt to get away, he kicked his legs with the hope of throwing the two off balanced enough to allow him to escape. He cursed at them while he did all this. "What the hell do you think you're doing? Let me go!"

"Not until you calm down." Usoop said. "If you go after him like this you're going to kill him!"

"That was the point!" He retorted.

"Nami, surely you know of something that can cure Luffy's hiccups?" Sanji suggested from his spot on Zoro's right. "Someone as lovely and brilliant as you must have an idea on how to rid himself of his current condition."

The navigator tapped her index finger against her chin thoughtfully. "I think I might have a book in my room somewhere but I'm telling you if we leave them alone they'll go away."

"I don't think he'll last the next five minuets let alone until they disappear." Sanji argued.

"I guess you have a point." Nami sighed. "I'll go look for. You two just keep him from killing Luffy until I get back with that book."

"Yes ma'am!" Sanji would have saluted if he didn't have to hold back Zoro.

"How do you expect us to do that!" Usoop exclaimed but it was too late Nami was already out the door.

* * *

_(1) This entire explanation is an exact quote from a medical article at ____http/____www. ____emedicinehealth. com/articles/14049-1.asp __and is not my own. I repeat I took this from the website mentioned and do not take any rights to it. This is not my own!_


	3. Book of Cures

**Disclaimer: I do not own One Piece.**

**A/N:** http /www. thegrandline. com/luffycrew.html **Take out the spaces and go to this site. It's full of great information and facts. What are you waiting for? Go!**

BTW: If you're a Law and Order: CI fan I highly recommend _LateNight Musing_ and _More Musings by Robert Goren_ written by Traci. They are extremely funny and deserved to be read. They're like nothing I have ever seen and they make you think. So go read them, you won't regret it.

* * *

After scanning her shelves filled with books Nami finally came across one that looked promising. Pulling it out she flipped through a few pages and then tucked it under her arm. After a quick once over she concluded everything was in it's right place and left for the lounge with the hopes the her crewmates were all still in one piece. 

Upon her return Nami wasn't too surprised to find Zoro tied down to a chair and gagged with Sanji and Usoop on either side of him. She paused for a moment in the doorframe and raised an eyebrow but didn't say anything. Shaking off the strange scene as normal Nami took a seat and reopened the book. "Well it turns out I did have a book after all."

"Glorious! I knew that you would find a way Miss Nami! Why your brilliance shines like my burning adoration for you!" Sanji sat next to the navigator and made a movement to put his arm around her shoulder.

She got up and walked over so she was standing next to Usoop. As she opened the book to the Table of Contents he peered over her shoulder. Waving her hand she started talking. "There must be thousands of different remedies in here. I still think we should just let the hiccups take their course."

"It looks like they're divided into sections. The first one is different foods that work. Another is full of different exercises. There's one that works on you breathing techniques. Then the last one is miscellaneous." The sharp shooter commented.

Snapping the book close Nami handed it over to Usoop. "Well there's your book I'm going down to my room. Keep it down up here I have to concentrate." She waved over her shoulder as she left the room.

Sanji looked over the book with Usoop. Reading through the first page he pointed to a few things. "We have the lemons and sugar but I think we're out of peanut butter and habanera peppers."

"I though I saw a whole new jar of peanut butter when I was looking for a snack the other day." Usoop looked at the cook.

"Really? That jar in the cabinet was getting close to empty when I looked at it last week. Are you sure it's the peanut butter you're thinking of?"

"The cabinet? I'm talking about the jar in the fridge."

"Why is there a jar of peanut butter in the fridge?"

"How should I know? You're the cook here. You're the one who organizes everything after we buy it. You tell me."

Sanji's hand flew to his forehead. "I let Luffy put away the supplies last time we ported. That idiot probably put it there. Though I can't think of how he got peanut butter and refrigerator in the same context."

Usoop shrugged. "This is Luffy we're talking about. Nobody really knows what goes on in his mind."

"Good point." Sanji continued to leaf through the book as he made his way out the door, heading towards the direction of the kitchen. Usoop flowed closely behind him. "Do we even have paper bags? I don't think I've ever bought any."

"I might have packed a few. They come in handy when you're collecting things." Usoop volunteered. They were nearly gone by now. "Though I can't help but think that we're forgetting something. Something important but I can't quite put my finger on it."

"Forget about it. If you can't remember then it can't be that important to begin with."

The sharp shooter sighed. "I guess… but still…"

"Stop thinking and hurry up." Sanji and Usoop were gone. Well on their way to the kitchen and a cure for Luffy's hiccups.

Back in the lounge a furious Zoro was attempting to tear through his binds and gag. He was thrashing franticly and struggled to curse at his shipmates for leaving him behind. The sight of his sword caught his eyes. Shifting and thrusting he managed to move his chair and propel himself forward. Thoughts of slowly inflicting painful injuries to his comrades continually appeared.


	4. Heimlich Maneuver

**Disclaimer: I do not own One Piece.**

**See my profile for a helpful One Piece website.**

**A/N: Call me stubborn but I'm not giving up on this story. Thanks to those who review and to all the readers who take the time to read. I'm always smiling whenever I update. It's just so much fun writing this story. Sorry for the hold up.**

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While Zoro was dealing with his bonds, Sanji and Usoop were coming up with a plan. As they gathered the supplies from the kitchen they discussed the best way to go about ridding Luffy from his hiccups. They eventually came up with this: they would follow the book chronologically. First food. Second exercise. Third breathing. Forth miscellaneous. Hopefully they would only need to go through the foods.

Opening the refrigerator door Usoop pulled out the jar of peanut butter. "I've got the peanut butter! Is that everything?"

"I think so." Sanji ruffled through the items in his arms. "I have the ice, habanera peppers, sugar, vinegar, and dry bread. That's leaves you with the pickles and peanut butter."

"All here and accounted for."

Sanji and Usoop placed everything down on the table. The cook grabbed the piece of dry bread and tossed it in the air, catching it on the decent. "Well let's see if the bread works. It's about time for his feeding anyway."

Luffy was lying in between the sheep's horns on the bow. His straw hat covered his eyes and protected them from the bright sunbeams. He wasn't asleep just resting his eyes. Random rounds of hiccups interrupted the quiet that had fallen over the ship.

"Hey Luffy! Heads up!"

The captain jolted up and faced the sound of the cook's voice. "Wha-!" Whatever Luffy was about to say was cut off as a chunk of bread flew into his mouth. Successfully stopping his hiccups and his ability to breath

"Hey! I think it's working." Usoop said. "He's not hiccupping."

"Yeah but he's turning a strange shade of blue…" Sanji commented.

Luffy pointed to his throat in a desperate attempt to enlighten them of his problem, but with little success.

"I think he's trying to tell us something." Sanji pointed out as he light up a cigarette. "Maybe he wants to play charades?"

"Then leave it to me!" Usoop announced with bravado. "Back in my village I was the champion at charades. Nothing got by me!" He rubbed his chin and thought as he tried to interpret what Luffy's actions meant. "Hot air balloon? Fish out of water?"

"I think he's choking." Sanji stated.

"Choking?" The sharp shooter thought about it for a moment before shaking his head. "I don't think so. Maybe he's drowning pirate?"

"No I meant I think he's really choking." Sanji explained. "Look. He's turning purple."

Indeed Luffy was once again changing colors as he attempted to dislodge the bread from his throat with no success. Usoop started panicking at the realization that he wasn't playing a game. "He is choking! Sanji! Help him!"

It turned out Nami's earlier assumption was correct. "What do you expect me to do?"

Usoop was frantic by now, waving his arms about he yelled, "Help him! You worked on the Barite! A restaurant! You must know what to do in a situation like this!"

The cook blew a few smoke rings and straightened up. Scratching the back of his head he said, "You know we did have a guy choke once and the crap chef had to help him out. I saw what he did but I don't think-"

"Luffy is choking!" Usoop shook Sanji by the shoulders. "We don't have time for you to think! Now's the time for action!"

The blond swatted his friend hand and brushed his shoulders off. Straightening out his jacket Sanji walked over the were their captain was attempting to breath on the deck. "Sheesh. A simple 'Sanji please help Luffy' would have worked. You didn't have to yell. I can hear just fine."

Standing over his floundering captain Sanji studied him for a moment. The he bent down and turned him on his side so they where facing each other. He stood back up, looked down, pulled his leg back, and…

Luffy made a strangled sound as Sanji's foot made contact with his stomach. Great, not only was he not getting enough oxygen now he had what little air he had left knocked right out of him.

"Aaaahhhh!" Usoop pulled at his hair as he screamed. "Sanji, what do you think your doing? You just lodge the bread in deeper!"

He scratched the back of his neck. "Yeah that's what happened on the ship too."

"What are we going to do? What are we going to do?" Usoop ran in circles.

It just so happened that at that moment Nami had started craving a tangerine. She checked her ears to make she her earplugs where securely in place and went up on deck. You could imagine her surprise to find a panicking Usoop, a calm Sanji, and a rapidly color changing Luffy. All in complete silence. Deciding she didn't even want to know what had happened she leapt in action.

She was at Luffy's side in record time. Dragging him to his feet she stood behind her captain and wrapped her arms around his waist. She balled her right hand into a fist and placed it right above his belly button. Then she placed her left hand over the fist and started pushing upwards. After a few minuets the bread flew out of Luffy's throat and onto the deck.


	5. Leaves a Bad Taste

**Disclaimer: I do not own One Piece. **

**Thank you supportive readers and special thanks to my reviewers! Special thanks to my muse for finally coming back to me and to Hylian Dragoness for your review. I have a great idea for the ending!**

Luffy immediately started gasping for breath, his small mind eager for all the oxygen that he could get. While their captain started turning a more natural color, Sanji and Usoop quickly gathered around Nami and started their praise.

"That was great Nami!"

"I knew you could do it for the only thing you have more than your beauty is your brains!"

"What was that thing that you did?"

"And as a reward I'll cook you the most romantic meal you've ever laid your eyes on. Just you, me and the candle light."

Their praises fell on deaf ears… literally. Nami's earplugs were still securely placed so her eardrums where protected from all their excited gibberish. She could see their mouths moving but nothing was connecting. Sweeping her hair behind her ear she carefully extracted the bees wax from her right ear, leaving her left plugged.

All at once the noise rushed at her and flinched back at the sudden change. "Both of you please be quite!"

They both immediately shut up.

"Now, what exactly happened? Wait. Scratch that, I probably don't want to know." Nami then walked up to her small grove and plucked a few tangerines off the branches. She was profoundly thanked by Luffy, who in gratitude lent his hat to her so she could carry her tangerines easier. With a quick thank you to her captain the navigator disappeared downstairs and back into her room.

"We nearly killed Luffy." Usoop said with an air of disbelief as he stared at their hyper friend.

"Yeah but on the plus side his hiccups are gone." Sanji pointed out as he took a long drag of his cigarette. Leaning against the railing he blew smoke upwards. "He hasn't had one since he couldn't breath. I think it was a fair trade off."

"Hic!" Luffy's face broke into a huge grin. " My hic-hic-cups aren't go-hic! Gone!"

Sanji nearly inhaled his cigarette at the dreaded sound of Luffy's hiccups. As the blond went into a coughing fit Usoop started looking through the food they had brought up for their next step. Finally deciding to get the worst tasting one over with he poured a small glass of vinegar. Plugging his nose he held the drink out to his captain. "Hey, Luffy! Drink this."

Taking the glass his nose immediately wrinkled at the stench. Holding the glass an arm's length away he used his other hand to rub his nose as if that would get rid of the smell. "What is this stuff? It -hic- smells ter-hic- terrible. "

"It's supposed to." Usoop quickly spun. "It's a secret drink that I discovered while replicating my fool proof cure for the common cold. It seemed I added to much of something because it didn't fix anyone but it did make them stronger. Imagine my surprise when my bedridden patient drank my medicine and instead of getting better he was still sick but could lift the refrigerator like a pillow."

"Really?" By this time straw hat's eye where as big as saucers as he stared at the drink in disbelief. "You mean if I drink this stuff I'll get stronger?"

"Only if you drink it all at once."

Luffy wasted no time in chugging down his drink though it was rather difficult with the hiccups… that and it tasted really _really_ bad.

Once he chocked it down he stuck out his tongue as if that would make the terrible taste go away. Even after that he was still diligently hiccupping.

Deciding to take advantage of the opportunity presented before his, Usoop started on some of the other possible cures. With a spoonful of peanut butter ready and waiting he handed it to him. "Quick eat this! If it's not consumed immediately after, the drink is rendered useless."

Luffy nearly swallowed the spoon in his haste.

While the peanut butter did relieve the taste of vinegar a bit it did nothing for the hiccups except muffled them a bit. Step one and two were useless, time for the step three. The long nosed liar quickly readied a spoonful of honey. "Now you have to have a spoonful of honey."

They honey was gone before he had finished his sentence. No results.

"Now you have to swallow this ice! Go! Go! Go!" Usoop chanted, clapping his hands together for emphisis.


	6. Walking the Plank

**Disclaimer: I do not own One Piece.**

**Inspiration is on my side today and I decided to take advantage of it so here's another chapter to anyone whose still reading this story!**

Sanji was checking off failed cures and circling promising looking ones as he sat in the shade of Nami's fruit grove. Him and Usoop had been forced to put the food remedies on hold for the time being. You see Luffy had refused food from them after they had him eat a habanera pepper so the cook was forced to look up techniques that they could do in the mean time.

Seeing their captain practically breathe fire was almost worth tolerating Luffy's hiccups. Almost.

On the sunnier side it presented them with the opportunity to try all the water cures that where listed in the book by telling him that the burning sensation would leave quicker if he followed their instructions. Sanji was able to cross off a good chunk of suggestions.

Usoop was working on some painting or another in the guy's room. Zoro was working on his bindings. Nami stayed locked up in her own private room making maps and plotting routes. Luffy was sawing away at the ship's handrail…

That's right. Our favorite pirate was trying to saw his way through the wooden handrail. You see not to long ago, roughly five minutes, Luffy noticed for the first time that they had no plank. When he question his shipmates they said the following:

"Don't know don't care." Nami didn't even bother looking up.

"We don't? I haven't noticed." Usoop gave him a confused tilt of head.

Sanji took a long drag of his cigarette. "Do we really need one? Are you planning on making somebody walk off for mutiny or something?"

Luffy couldn't find Zoro anywhere.

In response to Sanji's question Luffy said, and you can quote me on this. "Every pirate sh-hic-ip needs a plank! Oth-hic-hic otherwise it's not an official pirate ship -hic-! It's just a boat with pirates living on it! Wai-hic- are you guy's planning a mutiny on me!"

Luffy's hiccups doubled in succession in his emotional state.

It took Sanji a goodfive minuets to convince theready to defend-himself-to-the-death captain that nobody was planning to overthrow him. Well with the exception of Zoro but the cook thought it would be in everyone's best interest that he not know that.

So now it was a relatively peaceful afternoon. Sanji discovered if he hummed loud enough he could drown out the sound of the hiccups for the most part. Yes it was a beautiful day outside here in the middle of the ocean…

"Luffy!"

Both the captain and cook jumped at the sound of Zoro's angry voice. It seemed that the swordsman had finally broken through his bonds and gag. While strapped to the chair he had added Sanji and Usoop to his kill list but first things first. Get rid of those damned hiccups!

Usoop stumbled to the top deck just as Zoro charged at Luffy.

In sheer panic and dumb luck Luffy tore off part of the hand railing. With the hope of self-preservation he swung it only to have the wood split in half like a hot knife through butter. Looking at the wood then back at the green haired man Luffy managed to duck just in time to keep his head and hat.

About now the captain's survival instincts kicked in and he did what any one with a madman trying to kill him would do. He ran. He ran fast screaming the whole way with Zoro hot on his trail.

Now normally this is a very effective survival trick but not in the particular case for a few reasons. One Zoro was determined. Two it's hard to run, breath, and hiccup at the same time. Three a ship only gives you a limited running space.

Thus both Zoro and Luffy soon found themselves running on air instead of on deck.

It seemed that they had run from Nami's citrus grove to the other end of the boat. Not bothering to pay attention to where they were going they ran over the bow and straight into the great blue ocean.

Now having the ability to sink and drown had forced Luffy to become the expert of catching himself before ever touching the water. That and he tended to display the traits of a monkey. So holding on tight to his hat he stretched out his left arm and caught one of the horns on his favorite seat. Swinging around he hit the deck and continued running.

Zoro, while he didn't have the reflexes or ability to stretch, did have a fierce determination. Once he set his mind on something there was no stopping him. And at the moment his mind was set on getting Luffy. So with that said he quickly put his swords into the side of the ship. When he stopped falling he started climbing and in no time at all he was back of Luffy's trail.

As Usoop watched the two circle around for the tenth time he looked at Sanji and pointed at the speeding captain. "Don't you think we should help him out?"

"Give it another ten minutes or so." Sanji checked something off. "This is working for our advantage. Zoro has already proved two cures wrong through this. If he can keep Luffy running he can disprove another one."

Usoop made himself comfortable as the hiccupping captain and mad swordsman passed by them again. "Well, what do we do until then?"

"We can get ready for the next try. We need to get a tub of ice water and figure out a way to get Luffy's head in it without seeming too suspicious. " Sanji dusted off his pants as he headed for the kitchen with Usoop in tow.

**End of Chapter A/N:** _The cures that Sanji mentioned are as follows; give them a scare, scream for as long as you can, immerse your face in ice water, and run for ten minutes or until hiccups are gone._


	7. Self Preservation

**Disclaimer: I do not own One Piece.**

"Luffy get back here and face me like a man!" Zoro yelled as he chased said captain while brandishing only two of his three swords. Though this fact did nothing to reassure or calm the boy running for his life.

Luffy didn't slow down at all. In fact he might have speed up a little as he called over his shoulder. "No! You're -hic- gonna kill me!"

"Damn right I am! Now stand still!"

"Hic! Put down you're swo-hic-ds first!" Luffy demanded.

"Stand still!"

While Luffy continued running for his life Usoop and Sanji were working on a very important task. Trying to carry a very heavy and very full bucket of ice water without spilling it. Needless to say they were suffering from some minor technical difficulties difficulty.

Sanji's eye twitched as water spilled over the side, nearly hitting his pants leg. "Usoop hold up your end. Your splashing water all over the place."

"Well excuse me." The sharpshooter managed to lift up his half enough so that it wasn't so lopsided. "Not all off us are inhumanly strong. To us normal people this is heavy. Did we have to fill it up so much?"

"Quit your whining and walk." The blond scratched the back of his head with his free hand, which earned him a glare from the struggling prankster. "Sounds like Luffy's getting close. His hiccups are getting louder."

"Well then what are you waiting for?" Usoop was starting to turn red from the strain. "Open the door so we can get outside already."

"Geez, there's no need to get snippy." Sanji commented as he opened the wooden door.

…Only to have fall on him. You see Luffy had run into the door and Zoro, who had built up too much momentum, crashed into Luffy. With the combined force and speed the door was ripped off the hinges and onto Sanji.

Without Sanji to support his half of the wooden tub Usoop didn't have the strength to keep it up and let it fall to the ground. It landed perfectly with minimal water spillage. In fact it was still half way full (or was it half empty?) with ice water.

Luffy learned this first hand as his head was submerged in it.

That was a very convenient accident, Luffy landing face first in the water.

Now his fist instinct was to not drown and so he tried resurfacing. The key word there is tried. Zoro's hand on the back of his head was hindering the process.

Luffy learned very quickly that trying not to breathe underwater is extremely difficult when you have the hiccups. The random bubbles that were filled with his precious oxygen proved that much. Luckily for him the situation didn't last long for Sanji did not appreciate being squished between the wooden deck and a heavy door with heavy people on it.

A well-placed kick quickly remedied Sanji's problem as the two tumbled across the deck only stopping when they hit the railing.

The cook stood up and grumbled something about mindless baboons under his breath as he wrung out his jacket. See while they didn't spill a whole lot of water they did spill some and it all happened to land on Sanji.

"Well, what's next?" The sharpshooter asked.

The blond, still grumbling, took the book out of his back pocket. Stopping at the correct section he scrolled through the list crossing out the ice water trick. He read the next one out loud. "Force the hiccupie to cough and or sneeze."

"Well, what's next?" The sharpshooter asked.

The blond held the book in his left hand as he flipped though the pages with his right. Stopping at the correct section he scrolled through the list before finding the last cure they tried. He read the next one out loud. "Force the hiccupie to cough and or sneeze."

"Is there a way to make someone cough?" Usoop asked staring at the open book.

Sanji scratched the back of his head with his free hand. "None that I can think of. There are ways to make someone sneeze though."

"I'll get the pepper." Usoop announced in a heroic voice as he made his way to their kitchen with his hand in the air like he was leading troops of some sort to battle.


	8. The Human Bouncy Ball

**Disclaimer: I do not own One Piece.**

**A/N: Due to the threat of death I decided it was time for an update.**

"Achoo! Hic! Achoo! Hic! Achoo! Hic!" Luffy bounced about the deck alternating between sneezing and hiccupping. While he was doing a wonderful impersonation of a pinball his two shipmates stood idly by trying to figure out what to do next.

Sanji shook his head in disappointment as leaned against the railing and checked off another failed cure. "Well, that was a waste of time and pepper."

"Don't you thing that we should do something?" The sharpshooter asked as Luffy continued to bounce about. Zoro had retreated for the moment to get lunch. As it so happened his last meal had been stabbed more than eaten.

Sanji waved off his crewmate's concerns. "He'll be fine."

"Can I see the book?" Usoop requested from his sitting position on the deck next to Sanji.

The blond tossed the book to him. "Knock yourself out. I've got nothing."

After reading through a few random pages an idea was beginning to form. If he planned this just right he could fit in ten cures in a relatively short amount of time. All he had to do was turn it into a game. A race really, like an obstacle course or a scavenger hunt. Something to get Luffy's naturally competitive nature going. But first a little white lie.

"Hey Luffy!"

The straw-hat captain had finally stopped sneezing leaving him with just hid hiccups. "What?"

He waved his arms. "Come here!" Once Luffy was closer he began speaking again. "Sanji and me are trying to settle a dispute and we need your help. You see I think I could my breath longer than anybody but he thinks that you could beat me."

"He does?" Luffy asked. A hiccup soon followed his question.

Sanji blinked owlishly. "I do?"

Usoop's elbow 'accidentally' connected with Sanji's ribcage.

"Ow! What was that-?" A look from the sharpshooter made him change his mind about what he was going to say. "I mean of coarse I do. Is it so shocking that I think that you could bet the pants off this guy when it comes to holding your breath? After all you can't swim so to next best thing is not breathing."

Luffy gave him a weird look. "I gue-hic- guess."

There was a bit of an awkward silence which was quickly remedied by the crew's own funny man, Usoop. Clapping his hands together loudly he announced, "Anyway I figured we could settle this here and now. We'll both hold our breaths at the same time. Sanji can be our witness."

"Sounds -hic- good." Luffy agreed.

"Okay you two stand so that you're facing each other." Sanji instructed. "Ready now?" The two nodded. "All right then you can begin in three, two one, go!"

So the contest was on and it seemed that Usoop had the home court advantage what with being hiccup free and all. Yes those little bubbles of surprises where quite inconvenient when trying to hold your breath.

Soon enough both participants were looking quite pained. Usoop was turning an interesting hue of red and Luffy had invented a new shade of purple. Not long after that the captain couldn't take it anymore and ended up alternating between hyperventilating and hiccupping. Quite the unpleasant experience.

Usoop was also taking in as much oxygen as possible. In between his gasps for breath he managed, "We'll call that one a draw."

Luffy happily agreed.


	9. A Pirates Life For Me

**Disclaimer: I do not own One Piece.**

**For those still reading I'm sad to say this story is at it's end. No more chapters after this one. It has been a pleasure writing for you.**

Sanji looked at his stopwatch before looking up at the two-competiting pirates. They had already stood on their heads while singing 'A Pirate's Life', breathed in and out of a paper bag for the count of thirty Gold Rogers, hang upside down on their hammocks (that took a while) until all the blood had rushed to their heads only to run into the kitchen where the cook had already set up the required items.

Now they were in the final stretch of their contest and so far Usoop was in the lead since he had already drowned both the shot of lemon and dill pickle juice. Not a pleasant combination. Luffy was having a bit harder of a time due to the continuing hiccups. That's right Luffy had yet to be cured despite the efforts of his crew.

If this didn't work they were going to quit for the day. After all dinner needed to be made.

"Luffy hurry up!" Sanji shouted as he checked his stopwatch once again. "Are you going to let this long nose puppet beat you? He's already starting on the lemon!"

The captain murmured something through his sot of dill pickle but no one understood him. Slamming the glass down he started on the lemon wedges that were set before him and ate them like they were oranges. Sanji learned that the funniest facial expressions come from those eating lemons straight off the tree. "Three... two... one... time! Stop eating and let's see who ate the most."

As it turned out Luffy technically won by one wedge but you couldn't tell from his facial expression that he was the winner.

"That's it I quit!" Usoop threw his hands in the air and waved them as he stormed away from the gasping captain. "I don't care anymore! If you need me I'll be fixing the rail Luffy tore apart for the plank."

Sanji was equally tired from trying to cure the straw hat. Snapping the book shut he decided to two last ones before he officially gave up. He walked until he was right behind Luffy and then he reached out and pinched the back of one of his shoulders. "Ow! What -hic- was that for?"

"No reason." The blond shrugged and offered his hand to the young man before him. "Come on. Stand up would yah?"

Once standing Sanji did his last effort to rid Luffy of his pesky hiccups. Bringing back his arm he delivered a small quick punch to Luffy's chest area. Due to being off balanced the enthusiastic pirate full on his butt and gasped for breath. "Why'd you go and -hic- do that for?"

Sanji just shook his head and slipped Nami's book into his back pocket. "Just seeing something. I'm going to go start dinner. It'll be ready in an hour or two. Also I suggest that you try to stop with those hiccups. If you don't get rid of those things you're going to have problems eating."

True to his word when dinnertime rolled around Luffy couldn't take a bite of his food without the fear of chocking again. Usoop and Sanji went about their meal without concern but Zoro's hands were already twitching for his swords. Nami decided that it was about time to end the madness and used a technique from her childhood. Putting down her fork she looked at her miserable captain. "Hey, Luffy?"

"Wha-hic-at?"

She locked eyes with him. "Say pineapple."

"Pineapple?" Luffy was obviously confused. "Why do you want me to say that?"

Nami shrugged her shoulders. "Try singing 'A Pirates Life' for us."

He followed her instructions. "We pillage, we plunder, we rifle and loot. Drink up me hearties, Yo Ho! We kidnap and ravage and don't give a hoot. Drink up me hearties, Yo Ho! Yo Ho, Yo Ho! A pirate's life for me..."

"Not a single hiccup." Nami smiled and resumed eating. "They're gone now. Go ahead and eat."

The captain let out a whoop of happiness and dug into his meal. Sanji, Usoop, and Zoro all stared at the only woman of the crew. The swordsman had an angry twitch in his eye at he came to a realization. "If you knew that would work why didn't you do that earlier!"

"I figured they'd go away on their own but since they didn't I had to step in." Nami pointed to his untouched food. "You should eat that before it gets cold."

Zoro stabbed at his food and glared at her. All the while Usoop moaned about wasted time and Sanji praised that orange top on her brilliance and superior knowledge. Suddenly the swordsman felt strange. There was something wrong. He felt something rising. He didn't feel like throwing up and it wasn't quite a burp. He stopped stabbing his dinner and waited. It was getting closer... almost there... whatever it was it had arrived. "Hic!"

-The End-


End file.
